The Gift of Time

Recently my significant other said those dreadful words – “I thought I had more time”.  A loved one passed before he had a chance to say goodbye.  I could see this was an emotionally disappointing experience for him.  Through his eyes, I was now fully able to see the gift before me in my moment of sorrow.  Time.

This past year had been a difficult journey for me and my beloved companion.  What I really had not known, or had not consciously accepted, was that it was in fact an entire year of mourning.  Last summer, my 14-year old family pet transitioned into a true senior lifestyle.  When I first met him at 8-weeks old, it was love at first sight.  Naturally, when choosing to be a dog owner, this phase of his life never crossed my mind.

A pet enters senior-hood around age nine and we were doing quite well.  Moving at a slower pace on dog walks due to a little arthritis, and sleeping later had been the extent of our aging adjustments. It was in the last year that he changed.  His body was in good shape for his age, but it was his mind that was slowly slipping away.  Canine Cognitive Dysfunction Syndrome is what they told me – Senility for pups.  The vet prescribed medication.  It would be a month or more before a successful response could be determined.  Gratefulness was my daily prayer for being blessed with a pet that was physically healthy his entire life.  Mental awareness was an ailment I never considered.  I hoped for the best.

The funny thing about owning a pet is that they are with you ALL the time.  These beloveds are not growing up and moving out to leave you with an empty nest.  They don’t live across town or out of state and then you see them on weekends, holidays or at family functions.  For the span of their lifetime, they are forever dependent on you for their welfare - and not being able to speak leads to the creation of a unique language between you.  This is what produces such a special bond.  Yet, it is this same loyal constancy, which makes it hard to see their true decline.

A recent distressing experience shook me into reality.  I knew it was time to start considering the hard stuff.  Emotions burst from my depths exposing what I was not dealing with in my life.  A storm had blown the backyard gate open.  Jazz galloped toward the left side of the house, with a sprinting of his prime years – uh oh, something was awry.  I made my way around the side of the house and stood facing the wide open gate with Jazz nowhere in sight.  It was emotionally harrowing.  Managing to pull myself out of the psychological shock, I took off in my car in frenzy.

Jazz had always been a feisty dog – a lively, gutsy, full-blooded Shiba Inu that let you know who was boss.  As a hunting breed he kept me on my toes as off-lead was a no-no.  Most noticeable to anyone who met him, was that Shiba beauty – He/She looks like a FOX!  Boy did that foxy look get me in trouble.

His temperament fit my lifestyle, so I thought.  He was independent and clean, with feline tendencies when it came to self-grooming.  Easy to housebreak and a great watch dog were pros.  Security was never his thing as he’d leave me for a hotdog in a minute, but a Shiba will alert you if there are strange noises or people around who are not familiar.  This simplified dating for me, as Jazz weeded out the bad apples.  Playing alone was also a staple, and he made sure you knew he was a loner.  A great asset this was because spending long periods by himself worked well for me as a single adult.  I could have done without the dead rabbits left at my backdoor, but I cherished the love offering.

His later senior years, after age-13, lead to the loss of some primitive skills.  As I searched the neighborhood, I feared for his safety.  After incessantly driving around my subdivision, searching behind houses, and hiking wooded areas, I was exhausted.  I returned home, sat on the front porch, and wept.  Was he hurt?  Would he be hit by a car?  Could he be eaten by an animal?  Would he get lost and die alone?  I knew this was not an ending that I could reconcile mentally or emotionally.  To make matters worse, there was a secret fear of how I would be perceived to have such intense emotions for an animal.

As the 14-years of unconditional love flashed before me, I was reminded of the good, the bad, and the ugly of owning a Shiba Inu – Drama Queen, Royalty, Sly, Pretense, Stubborn, Bossy.  I laughed!  He was off trotting around while I was distraught.  I put on my Shiba hat.  I went back out tracing our routine paths, considering this fox’s conspiracy mentality.  Then low and behold in the distance I saw an orange puff ball, henceforth his nickname, Pumpkin.  He was strutting down the sidewalk looking rugged like he’d been in a tussle – wet, dirty, panting, limping.  I wanted to KILL him.  He leaped into the car like an anxious puppy - um, no arthritis today.  With deep breaths and a peaceful heart, I drove us home.  And so there our journey began - An awareness of Time.

Time is really a wonderful thing.  It is the most valuable gift to any human.  Time is a miracle at best. Eternal is time for it has no beginning and ending.  We try to capture it with clocks and calendars, and have invented dates, days and years to indicate and measure in our own way.  But truly it moves at its own pace.  Time waits for no one because each second is different.  Next week, next month, or next year are merely illusions as the only certainty is this moment in Time. 

There is an old saying that time is money, but money can be recovered.  A moment lost is gone forever.  In these past months, I’ve created my own adage.  Time is Love - because in the awareness of the present moment there is no room for fear or remorse.  There is only space for compassion, acceptance, gratitude, patience, release, and breath – for breath is life.

Impending loss has a permanent effect on your spiritual state.  Enriching relationships and experiences increase in value.  The trite things of life fall away.  Tears are indeed healing to the soul.  But mostly Jazz and I simply breathe in rhythm.  Until that Time, this Time is eternal.  

When the present moment is all there is – Love stands still.  There are no clocks, no days or hours – only Precious Time.  

Grace