Change Ahead

As the week closed, reflections of my recent vacation to Europe and the desire for permanent life change lingered in my thoughts.  The beauty I had experienced in Spain, France and Italy was not only defined by the landscaping of new sights such as the Sagrada Familia, French Riviera, or Amalfi Coast - but I found renewed value in the simple things of life such as family, friends, variation, gratitude and purpose. 

For me, this trip was one 10-day excursion.  Each day became a pleasurable mystery as I looked forward to new sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and language.  Each second seemed to move by slowly and swiftly at the same time as I adjusted to the new décor around me.  As a creative type, being surrounded by the beauty of sculptures, ceramics, mosaics and graphic art seemed to call to me someplace in my soul, like I was home.  Every outing was like the creation of a Picasso.  I altered my brush strokes using varying colors of rapture and rest creating the most balanced handiwork.  Its representation was a new me being sculpted with each breath.  Finally home, relaxing on my sofa I asked myself - would I preserve this poised makeover or fizzle?

For the past year, I’d worked as a Travel Group Leader to plan this family and friends reunion.  We embarked upon new endeavors, and I had underestimated the extent of work involved.  Three days in Spain followed by seven days at sea lent itself to many details of – planning, organizing, and synthesizing - that could unnerve many. 

I’d always enjoyed this Group Leader role, yet this time with the extra work, I felt an internal game of tug of war as excitement and frustration competed within.  It was not only the planning of this effort that had taken a toll on me, but in the months prior life seemed to be challenging my resolve.   Unanticipated car repairs totaling $3,600 trounced on me.  The reality of my aging pet and the consideration for euthanasia at the same time his pet sitter of seven years informed me she had terminal cancer stunned me into an emotional bewilderment.  A rental property tenant eviction and six months with no rental income was a financial strain.  And the ongoing daily rat race of a civil servant job left my inner artist lifeless.

One thing I never counted on was that it was in the execution of this vacation that my life path would self-correct.  During this emotional stress, as opposing teams of joy and pain battled their test of strength, amazing things began to happen in and around me.  Hidden skill sets arose.  My perfectionist yielded.  The independent woman reached out for support.  And in making mistakes in a circle of love, I was reminded of my own power to choose a safe space – be it work, friends, a relationship or such.  Unknown to me, the devising of my new self-portrait had long preceded this anticipated vacation.

When I returned home, I knew I had to face the last days of my 14-year old Shiba Inu so I purposely looked for a book to take with me that might feed my soul, renew my spirit, and give me a new found strength.  Day four into my European leisure, I began reading my new book and it was like medicine to my soul.  It was the greatest compliment to this newly fabricated me that I had not yet known would emerge.  Of all the books in my life, this one touched me greatly.  The book titled – This Time I Dance by Tama Kieves, put me on a journey I’d been on many times before.  Yet this time was different.  Feeling the connectedness of her story to mine was life changing.  This lawyer turned writer reminded me of the divine gifts I’d left behind and the emptiness this abandonment created in me.  I am forever altered, not merely because of this book, but because of the intersection of many points at the right time on this 10-day voyage.

This new found culture, the daily living in a constant state of bliss, was refreshing.  Everywhere I turned there was this sort of time-out and relaxed existence that reminded me to let go of the heavy stuff in life and pack light.  Daily siestas.  Leisureliness.  Tapas bars.  Sangrias.  Backpacks.  Petite living.  Breathtaking views.  French wine.  Italian wine.  And did I say wine? 

This intersection of European culture, the soulful book, enjoyable new skill sets, and seeing family friends having such a wonderful time left me at a cross road.   At this juncture, lingering in the distance was a mental vagueness of the unfruitful life I left behind.  But something stronger was calling me home.

I don’t know if it was a U-Turn or a detour, but the route correction was in divine order – right time, right place, right circumstances.  It was a convergence where I found the ability to again embrace myself, love myself, approve of myself, and find soulful joy.  I shifted from Self-Improving to Self-Approving – of me in all my uniqueness.  I was reminded of all the things I enjoy, yet shamefully had left that place where I ritually tap into my own self interests.  How could I not invest in me?  Easily – the way of most Americans.  My time had been consumed my work, schedules, deadlines, business, finance, issues, stress, smart devices, social networking, television and all those things that don’t bring forward movement and self-actualization.   Then I’d follow with an array of self-help and relaxation techniques to counteract what could simply be solved by taking a detour from this diversion.   

Change Ahead.  Those two words journeyed home with me.  After much stagnation, I commit to invest in me each day.  There is no perfection.  Small movement is movement as long as it’s movement toward my joy. 

Change Ahead.  Each day is a stepping stone, and I can leave behind all my plans, schemes, goals and expectations.  Since my return, I have invested in me with daily siestas, soul feeding, relaxation, and acceptance.  But mainly, I stand in my divine role, my artistry, my writing.

Change Ahead.  Today I invested in me wholeheartedly, simply, by writing this page.  This is my journey.  It is a life-long excursion that begins and ends in each moment.  Each second is a new phase.  Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is yet to come.  What I have is this moment to write.  This moment is my moment to create artful expressions on the canvas of my life and to voice my I AMness.  Giving birth to something beautiful on this page is my purpose, regardless of its imperfection.  And even though my name is not Picasso, I can accept it as a masterpiece – My Masterpiece – for it is the beginning of my oeuvre.

Gracia